WE HAVE GONE 2 DAYS WITHOUT OPERATOR LOSS //
THE PREVIOUS DEPARTMENTAL RECORD WAS 2 DAYS //
OH WELL :'( PLEASE WORK HARDER TO SET A NEW RECORD //
● NEWSWIRE ITEM: FIVE NEW SYMBOLS HAVE BEEN ADDED TO OFFICIAL MINISTRY ALCHEMICAL GUIDELINES.OSMIUM, THORIUM, TENNESSINE, AVOCADO, ENNUI // NO EXEMPTION: DURING THE FIRST DAY OF HIS WAR CRIMES TRIAL, THE DEFENCE TEAM OF THE FORMER BRITISH PRIME MINISTER ARE CLAIMING HE WAS IN "GOBLIN MODE" // WHILE GENETIC TESTING IS IN PROGRESS // THE MINISTRY REMINDS ALL STAFF THAT GOBLINOID DNA PROVIDES NO EXEMPTIONS FROM THE LAW // FORBIDDEN: AFTER THE INCIDENT WITH THE CRANES, PUNS ARE EXPLICITLY FORBIDDEN ON MINISTRY REQUISITION FORMS // ITEM: ‘PLEASE GO SLOWLY ROUND THE BEND’, IS A GUIDELINE ONLY FOR ENTERING/EXITING THE QUARRY HOUSE CAR PARK // IT IS NOT MENTAL HEALTH ADVICE // OPERATORS ARE ORDERED TO IMMEDIATELY CEASE ANY GRADUAL DESCENTS INTO MADNESS WHICH THEY MAY BE UNDERTAKING // SPIKE: THERE HAS BEEN A SPIKE IN THE CONSTRUCTION OF KILLDOZER-TYPE VEHICLES IN GREAT BRITAIN, WITH PARTICULAR CONCENTRATIONS FOUND ACROSS GREATER LONDON, AND THE WEST COUNTRY // WHEN ASKED WHAT MIGHT BE DRIVING REASONABLE FOLKS TOWARDS UNREASONABLE ACTIONS, THE MINISTRY'S CHIEF PSYCHIATRIST DR. MANGLE RELEASED A PROTRACTED SIGH BEFORE TERMINATING THE CALL // (I ACTUALLY HAD SEVERAL APPOINTMENTS WITH A SPECIALIST CALLED DR MANGLE, AND DESPITE THE NAME SHE WAS LOVELY) // CHANGE NOTICE: WHILE THE PROGNOSTICATION DIVISION TAKES A SUDDEN UNSCHEDULED HOLIDAY, THE WITCHING FORECAST WILL BE PRODUCED BY THE RIGHT REVEREND SAUL BANJAXED, HERALD OF CALAMITIES. THE TEAM LEFT IN SOMETHING OF A HURRY AND LEFT A MESSAGE OF SUPPORT // "BEST OF LUCK REV', YOU'LL DO GREAT! IF YOU CAN KEEP THOSE PROPHECIES OF DOOM TO A MINIMUM WE'RE REASONABLY CONFIDENT THAT THE VAST MAJORITY OF EVENTS WILL BE MORE OR LESS FINE. PERHAPS EVEN OKAY-ISH. LOVE FROM THE PROG-SQUAD, XOXO" // SOCIAL: PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS WOULD LIKE TO INVITE EVERYONE TO HER 75TH BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS! AN OPEN BAR AND BUFFET WERE AVAILABLE AT THE OLD WINDMILL PUBLIC HOUSE ON SPON STREET, FROM 7PM, 2ND OF NOVEMBER, 1911 // TEMPORAL TRANSPORT IS GOING TO HAVE BEEN PROVIDED //

FREQUENTLY KILLED OPERATORS

WHAT IS THIS? // THE MINISTRY OF SECRETS BULLETINS ARE FREE WEEKLY GRAPHIC DISPATCHES FROM A "FICTIONAL" GOVERNMENT DEPARTMENT THAT DEFINITELY DOES NOT EXIST // EXPECT CLASSIFIED DOSSIERS, UNUSUAL PHENOMENA OF ALL VARIETIES, WHETHER THEY BE THE PRODUCTS OF SUPERNATURAL OR EXTRA DIMENSIONAL ENTITIES, DERANGED SCIENCE AND ENGINEERING, OR SORCERY, AND THE OCCASIONAL WORKPLACE CASUALTY // NO PAYWALL // NO FEE / / JUST STRANGE INTELLIGENCE DELIVERED TO YOUR INBOX // SUBSCRIBE FREE // JOIN THE MINISTRY // KEEP THE SECRETS //

BUT WHO ARE THE MOS REALLY? // DID YOU ONCE KNOW THE ANSWER BUT YOUR MEMORY HAS SINCE BEEN ERASED BY MEMETIC FLAYING? OR HAVE YOU NEVER KNOWN AND NOT NOTICED THAT THERE IS A BUTTON ANSWERING THIS AT THE TOP OF THE PAGE //

IS THE MOS HUMAN? // TO THE BEST OF OUR KNOWLEDGE, GENERATIVE AI TOOLS ARE NOT USED IN THE PRODUCTION OF BULLETIN CONTENT // BESIDES, THE MINISTRY HAS IT'S OWN COMPUTATIONAL BEAN COUNTING TRACTION ENGINE // BUT IT IS FOR MURDERING PEOPLE NOT CREATING COMICS //

"AM YOU ARE TAKED SUBMISSIONS?" // THE MINISTRY SUGGESTS SUBMITTING YOUR FIELD AGENT NEWSWIRES THROUGH THE COMMENTS SECTION //

THIS IS THAT PODCAST THING RIGHT? // IMBECILIC QUESTIONING!! // ORIGINALLY CONCEIVED BY HUW BOWEN & CHRIS KELLY, THE MINISTRY OF SECRETS HAS BEEN MAKING PUBLISHED TRAINING MATERIALS IN A VARIETY OF MEDIA SINCE 2006 // THE OTHER LOT JUST DIDN'T BOTHER TO GOOGLE IT //

WHY UPPERCASE? // IT IS SIMPLY THE CURRENT POSITION OF THE MINISTRY // IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN // SINCE YESTERDAY AFTERNOON ANYWAY // THAT WAS WHEN WE DECIDED IT //

WHY? // TEA

DO I NEED CLEARANCE? // CLEARANCE IS ALWAYS RECOMMENDED AND MOSTLY COORDINATED

NOT SURE IF "YES" // IF IN DOUBT USE "NO" // KEEP THE SECRETS // KEEP IT UPPERCASE //

DO WE REALLY HAVE TO SET IT ON FIRE? // REALLY?