WE HAVE GONE 2 DAYS WITHOUT OPERATOR LOSS //
THE PREVIOUS DEPARTMENTAL RECORD WAS 2 DAYS //
OH WELL :'( PLEASE WORK HARDER TO SET A NEW RECORD //
● NEWSWIRE ITEM: FIVE NEW SYMBOLS HAVE BEEN ADDED TO OFFICIAL MINISTRY ALCHEMICAL GUIDELINES.OSMIUM, THORIUM, TENNESSINE, AVOCADO, ENNUI // NO EXEMPTION: DURING THE FIRST DAY OF HIS WAR CRIMES TRIAL, THE DEFENCE TEAM OF THE FORMER BRITISH PRIME MINISTER ARE CLAIMING HE WAS IN "GOBLIN MODE" // WHILE GENETIC TESTING IS IN PROGRESS // THE MINISTRY REMINDS ALL STAFF THAT GOBLINOID DNA PROVIDES NO EXEMPTIONS FROM THE LAW // FORBIDDEN: AFTER THE INCIDENT WITH THE CRANES, PUNS ARE EXPLICITLY FORBIDDEN ON MINISTRY REQUISITION FORMS // ITEM: ‘PLEASE GO SLOWLY ROUND THE BEND’, IS A GUIDELINE ONLY FOR ENTERING/EXITING THE QUARRY HOUSE CAR PARK // IT IS NOT MENTAL HEALTH ADVICE // OPERATORS ARE ORDERED TO IMMEDIATELY CEASE ANY GRADUAL DESCENTS INTO MADNESS WHICH THEY MAY BE UNDERTAKING // SPIKE: THERE HAS BEEN A SPIKE IN THE CONSTRUCTION OF KILLDOZER-TYPE VEHICLES IN GREAT BRITAIN, WITH PARTICULAR CONCENTRATIONS FOUND ACROSS GREATER LONDON, AND THE WEST COUNTRY // WHEN ASKED WHAT MIGHT BE DRIVING REASONABLE FOLKS TOWARDS UNREASONABLE ACTIONS, THE MINISTRY'S CHIEF PSYCHIATRIST DR. MANGLE RELEASED A PROTRACTED SIGH BEFORE TERMINATING THE CALL // (I ACTUALLY HAD SEVERAL APPOINTMENTS WITH A SPECIALIST CALLED DR MANGLE, AND DESPITE THE NAME SHE WAS LOVELY) // CHANGE NOTICE: WHILE THE PROGNOSTICATION DIVISION TAKES A SUDDEN UNSCHEDULED HOLIDAY, THE WITCHING FORECAST WILL BE PRODUCED BY THE RIGHT REVEREND SAUL BANJAXED, HERALD OF CALAMITIES. THE TEAM LEFT IN SOMETHING OF A HURRY AND LEFT A MESSAGE OF SUPPORT // "BEST OF LUCK REV', YOU'LL DO GREAT! IF YOU CAN KEEP THOSE PROPHECIES OF DOOM TO A MINIMUM WE'RE REASONABLY CONFIDENT THAT THE VAST MAJORITY OF EVENTS WILL BE MORE OR LESS FINE. PERHAPS EVEN OKAY-ISH. LOVE FROM THE PROG-SQUAD, XOXO" // SOCIAL: PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS WOULD LIKE TO INVITE EVERYONE TO HER 75TH BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS! AN OPEN BAR AND BUFFET WERE AVAILABLE AT THE OLD WINDMILL PUBLIC HOUSE ON SPON STREET, FROM 7PM, 2ND OF NOVEMBER, 1911 // TEMPORAL TRANSPORT IS GOING TO HAVE BEEN PROVIDED //

WHO ARE THE MINISTRY OF SECRETS?

THE MINISTRY OF SECRETS EXISTS TO DEFEND THE REALM AGAINST UNUSUAL PHENOMENA OF ALL VARIETIES, WHETHER THEY BE THE PRODUCTS OF SUPERNATURAL OR EXTRA DIMENSIONAL ENTITIES, DERANGED SCIENCE AND ENGINEERING, OR SORCERY, AMONGST MANY OTHERS //

THESE ISLANDS ARE THREATENED BY PECULIAR THREATS, FROM OTHER AGENTS, NATIONS, AND ENTITIES, AND WE ARE THE FIRST AND FINAL LINES OF DEFENCE AGAINST THEM //

THE MINISTRY OF SECRETS HAS BEEN MAKING TRAINING MATERIALS IN A VARIETY OF MEDIA SINCE 2006 // THE UNDERSECRETARY AND THE HEAD OF DEPARTMENT OF MESMERISM BELIEVE THAT COMMUNICATIONS WITH OPERATORS ARE CRUCIAL //

NOW, WITH THE ADDITION OF THE ███████████ TO OUR TEAM, WE ARE EXTENDING THAT REACH TO THE TERRITORIAL OPERATORS AND CONSULTANTS IN THE SERVICE OF THE MINISTRY //

KEEP THE SECRETS // PROTECT THE REALM AGAINST THE SECRETS. USE THE SECRETS AGAINST OUR ENEMIES //

REMEMBER, THE MINISTRY OF SECRETS DOES NOT EXIST // IF YOU BELIEVE YOU HAVE ENCOUNTERED THE MINISTRY OF SECRETS, PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT US // IF YOU DO CONTACT US, PLEASE USE FORM MO/S/17B //

PUT FINGER TO LIP, AND GO SHHHHHHH // SNIFF FINGER // FINGER SMELL FUNNY //